caleb-carter-jasoncurious.jpgSo there I was, blearily stumbling into the basement restaurant of my hotel in Bratislava, Slovakia. Painfully early in the morning. I’m about to go watch new Bel Ami pups have sex for the first time in front of the cameras. Although never a morning person, I can’t muster any enthusiasm. As the waiter pours my coffee and I begin to munch on a danish, a wave of sadness washes over me. I can’t stop thinking about Caleb Carter, his final moments, whether I could have said something in our final conversation, just days before he took his own life, that might have made a difference. I feel myself beginning to waver, my eyes fill, a spasm of physical pain shudders through me. The waiter unexpectedly lays a hand on my shoulder and offers a sympathetic smile. I take a deep breath, return to my scrambled eggs and decide to be grateful for small blessings. But still, the grief settles around me like a heavy fog. All the while, over the intercom, a dreary Slovakian Euro-pop song had been playing interminably. It suddenly stops. Silence drops in for a few moments. And then, another song begins, in the middle — Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” by Wham! and it is completely incongruous. The waiter frowns and disappears behind the scenes. I am alone in the restaurant as the bouncy, happy song fills the space. And, boy, do the tears flow. But I’m also smiling, I can’t help it. Because I remember being on the set of some movie, years ago, as this song played on a radio nearby. Caleb was there and performed an impromptu dance to it, snapping his fingers in my face, both of us laughing as he somehow lent the poppy lyrics a bitchy edge, as only he could do. I could imagine him now, back in the kitchen somewhere, standing over the radio controls and arguing with a dour Slovakian cook, saying, “No, no, trust me! He’ll get it. He’ll understand.”
See also:
* “Caleb Carter Memorial Tomorrow
* “RIP: Caleb Carter


6 Comments so far

  1. Will on March 12, 2009 9:26 am

    Wow, you sent shivers down my spine JC.

  2. Gavin on March 12, 2009 3:21 pm


    I’m sorry for your loss. No, you couldn’t have stopped Caleb’s suicide.

  3. Jason Sechrest on March 12, 2009 11:55 pm


    I love it! What a story!

    I’m glad he’s spending time with you. 😉

  4. Sinu' on March 13, 2009 4:36 am

    ‘C.C.’ meant something to you but I do not think you could have done anything more for him. In fact I don’t think anyone could!

    Memories, moments and thoughts will linger for a long time but eventually will fade. But something, unexpectedly, as time goes by will happen to make you smile, reflect and feel glad to have known him.

  5. Fan_JCAdams on March 13, 2009 1:14 pm

    With that impromptu song and the waiter who puts his hand on(you) your shoulder. It means that someone is watching over you and saying hello.
    You may be gay or a homo. But I still love you just as you are.

    Now sing with me
    “Turn that frown upside down,
    put on a happy face.”

  6. EdWoody on March 13, 2009 2:29 pm

    “You may be gay or a homo. But I still love you just as you are.”

    What the hell is this? That’s like saying, “You’re actually a nice guy, for a n****r.”


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